3 Years Without you, Mom

The week our mom died, we had a friend gift us each a notebook with a picture of us and our mom on it. She said we could use it anyway we wanted and gave us the idea to write letters to her in it. This has been a therapeutic habit for me, and my post today will be in form of a letter to my mom.

Hey Mom,

Tomorrow is three years without you. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I saw you, hugged you and spoke with you. I remember when you were first diagnosed thinking that I would literally die if I weren’t able to speak with you for an extended period of time. This year was a big one without you.

Gosh, we would’ve laughed through so much of this crazy COVID wedding planning! You would have had a plan B worked up so fast our heads would be spinning! Although you weren’t there for the special day there were several moments I could tell you were looking down. In the moments that I paused on our day, I pictured where you would be sitting or what you would be doing, it was nice to picture you there. I know you worked your magic to make it beautiful and I know you must have had everyone rounded up in heaven to watch the day unfold.

Mom, you would LOVE our new place downtown! I know you and dad would be here visiting so much! We would walk the lakefront and the Riverwalk together and while the boys would golf, you and I would hit up all the stores. You would have us booked for every minute of the weekend with new activities and restaurants you found online. I think of you so often when I’m here. When I run Lakeshore Drive, I remember the time we ran it together. (Funny, we only did it once, but that day is cemented in my mind!) When I take Wabash over the river, I remember that crazy cab driver who whipped us around that curve making us all (Lexie was there too) slide across the back seat into each other. I love living in this city with so many memories of you because even though we can’t make new memories, running into things that remind me of you solidifies the memories and makes it feel like you’re still right there.

I think about you a lot mom, I find my mind wandering to what you were thinking and feeling in the months you were sick. When did you really know you weren’t going to make it? How did you stay so calm when your family was freaking out around you? I’m sorry I wasn’t more of a friend during that time and that I focused on your physical needs rather than asking you about your spiritual and psychological needs. Thank you for keeping everything light and for laughing through so much of your pain. Thank you for staying strong when you definitely didn’t need to.

Don’t worry mom, I’m still dancing down here without you. I know you’re so proud of me and that you’re pushing me to keep doing my best. I love you and miss you so much, but I can’t wait to see you again!

Love, your sunshine girl,

K

Written By Kiera

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