Getting to Know My New Self — The Purpose Parcel

There is no denying I am a different person now. I no longer live in my happy bubble. I used to hate to watch the news because it always made me sad. Now I understand first hand how your life can be shattered in a moment, and therefore have more sympathy and compassion for those whose world is rocked in an instance. My first thought is how I can help those suffering, even if it is just a prayer.

I now give more respect to my own thoughts and feelings. Before I would care way too much about what others would think about my thoughts and actions. I do the best I can for myself and my family and do to worry anymore if people can not see that. I speak up better than I ever have my entire life, especially when it comes to Lucas and my family’s grief journey. My sister-in-law and I were talking about Lucas one night and I mentioned that the only thing I did differently while pregnant with him was use essential oils and i was initially concerned that it could possibly have caused Lucas harm (when looking for answers I was reaching for anything!) I went on to explain that I reached out to multiple reputable sources who confirmed that could in no way been the cause…my sister-in-law replied, “I bet you won’t use those again next time though”. I was so furious. I came across as flippant and rude in my ultra-sensitive state of mind. I did not say anything that night because I have also learned that when I feel like I have to defend my grief or Lucas (and to be completely fair in most cases it was a misunderstanding) I feel a rage I have never felt before. A few days later I sent her a text explains how and why she hurt my feelings…something I never would have done before, I would have bottled it up. I am so glad I said something. OF COURSE she did not mean it how I took it and explained she meant it from a superstitious standpoint. We were able to have a healthy/adult conversation about it. She thanked me for saying something because the death of a child is uncharted territory for a lot of our loved ones so if we don’t communicate openly people will not be able to learn how to help us through.

Before, if I spoke up about something it was usually in an unnecessary dramatic way. It was one way or the other…I either exploded at people in an unhealthy way that solved nothing or bottled it up completely. My new self has found a happy medium…a healthy way to communicate with others and my relationships are better for it.

I had to learn how to be okay with crying in front of others. Something seemingly small can trigger a wave of emotions and I no longer worry how it makes others feel. Lucas deserves my tears, I am proud to be his mother and I will miss him everyday. I understand tears make people uncomfortable because they want to help make the pain go away. They can’t but just listening to me and where I am on this grief journey is so much more helpful than people realize.

I also give the benefit of the doubt to strangers more often. If someone cuts me off on the road it doesn’t annoy me as much because I do not know if that person is having a bad day.

I also have more patience with Jaxson. For the first couple months after Lucas died I couldn’t see past my grief. I had a short fuse with Jaxson (and the world) which he did not deserve. He is grieving too, he understands more than people realize. He and Jeremy were each my rocks in different ways. I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mom and even though Lucas is in heaven, Jaxson is here and deserves the best mom I can be for him. He is only little once and one day he won’t want to snuggle an hour at night. So even when I feel frustrated that he won’t go to bed, I hear his giggle, breath it in And thank God I am able to hear it.

By Melissa McFall

IG @Melissa.mcfall