Amy's Story
My husband and I were married for about 2.5 years when we decided it was time to expand our family. We had checked off all the “must haves before a baby” on our list; be secure in our jobs, purchase our first home, get a puppy. We started trying in the fall of 2014. By the fall of 2015, we were still trying and worried that something was wrong. It was time to see the fertility doctor. The doctor determined there was nothing wrong with either of us, yet it still wasn’t happening. We started treatment by taking Clomid. Over the next 5 months, we progressed from Clomid, to IUI, to trigger shots, to Clomid and injectables with IUI before we got our first big fat positive. The joy of that positive lasted about a day. Initially my HCG levels were not doubling appropriately. Then they finally doubled. The initial ultrasound at 6 weeks showed a gestational sac, but no baby. We repeated the ultrasound the following week to find both the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no baby. We came back the following week for another ultrasound in which they found baby and heartbeat, but the heart rate was low. Again, we repeated another ultrasound that showed baby’s heart rate dropped and were informed that we would miscarry. Finally, we did another ultrasound to confirm baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and had a D&C procedure in May 2016 to remove the pregnancy.
After our miscarriage, we decided to take a break from treatment. My cycle returned in July. We tried on our own that month with zero expectations that anything would happen. My period was a bit late in the beginning of August, but I chalked it up to the fact that my cycle was trying to get back to normal after my miscarriage. When I was 6 days late, I decided it was time to finally take a test. Pregnant. Almost two years after we started trying, we were pregnant, naturally.
At the time, I believed the trite saying that “everything happens for a reason”. If I didn’t miscarry my first pregnancy from fertility treatments, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant naturally. The entire pregnancy with my son, Asher, was uncomplicated. The weeks continued to pass as he grew and moved in my belly. Because of my miscarriage, I was aware that things could still go wrong, even after the first trimester. I became fixated on his movements. He started to develop a pattern and I was very aware of it.
At 32 weeks pregnant, I received my tDap shot. Four days later I woke up in the morning and didn’t feel my usual kick from Asher after using the restroom. I told myself he was still sleeping and tried to go back to bed. After two hours of drifting in and out, I woke up my husband, panicked that something was wrong. I drank juice, ate chocolate, and still no movement. I didn’t want to call the doctor and inconvenience them so I called my neighbor (an L&D nurse) to come over with her Doppler. She couldn’t find anything but told me it was a bad Doppler and he was probably in a difficult position to hear the heartbeat. We called the on call doctor, who advised us to go to triage. On the drive there, I was panicked but still believed everything would be okay. I kept telling myself he was sleeping and that maybe I was feeling movement.
After arriving at Triage, the nurse grabbed the fetal monitors and put them on mystomach. Nothing. They brought in the ultrasound machine. I remember looking at our nurse, doctor, and ultrasound tech all staring at the screen. Our doctor turned to look at us and shook her head. He was gone. Our “rainbow” boy no longer had a heartbeat. They told me I could go home and come back before we decided to deliver. I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t go back to my house and sit around knowing my son was dead inside of me. We opted to be admitted that day and we started the induction process around 2pm. On Sunday February 19, 2017, Asher Ray Lied came silently into the world weighing 4lbs 13 oz and measuring 18 inches long. He was the spitting image of his Daddy. After multiples tests performed on both Asher and myself, his death remains unexplained. There was nothing wrong with either us. All we have is that “these things can just happen”.
Losing Asher irrevocably changed me. I no longer believe that “everything happens for a reason”. We literally have no explanation for why our son is not here with us and even if we did, there is no reason that will ever make losing him bearable. Since losing him, I have been on a mission to make his life mean something. My husband and I have donated weighted bears to our local hospital in his name to fill the empty arms of other parents leaving without their baby. A fellow loss mom and I started The Lucky Anchor Project, a resource website for loss families that houses an Etsy store where our profits are donated to loss family charities. We wanted to help comfort others experiencing the excruciating loss of a child.
After losing Asher, we fell back into our struggle of trying to conceive and returned to fertility treatments in the fall of 2017. We became pregnant with our twin daughters using injectables and IUI in December 2017. Asher’s sisters were welcomed into the world safely in August 2018. I struggle with referring to them as “rainbow” babies because Asher was a “rainbow” baby and we lost him. Having a “rainbow” (or in our case two) doesn’t erase the pain of losing Asher. Our daughters have helped to heal some of the broken pieces of our hearts, but the “Asher” piece will always be missing. I know that Asher had a hand in sending us his little sisters. He was watching over us every step of the way during my high-risk pregnancy. Our daughters will grow up knowing of the big brother who came before them. We will continue to talk about Asher and share him with the world because he was here, although briefly. He is our son and his life needs to be remembered.
Instagram: @amyalied & @luckyanchorproject
Personal blog: https://doggiebagsnotdiaperbags.wordpress.com/
Lucky anchor: https://theluckyanchorproject.wordpress.com/